I don't have a Dad





At some point when meeting someone new the conversation about family always pops up and the Dad word is mentioned which, causes an awkward pause and sympathetic look that makes me chuckle inside.

You see, I don't have a Dad, don't get me wrong, I know how it works biologically and I do have one I just don't have one.  I know who he is, he knows who I am we've never met and we don't want to. People tend to assume I've got some dead beat Dad who should've stepped up and been a father and blah blah blah but I don't see it that way. My life has been pretty perfect and I've never felt like I've missed out or not had that paternal figure around. I lived with my Grandparents and Mum until I was thirteen and was blessed with, what is arguably the best father-figure anyone could ask for in the same house, everyday making life a little less serious.

When I was younger I asked my Mum, Granddad and Grandma why I didn't have a Daddy, their response was "we don't have room, where would he sleep", this reason satisfied me for years, and it a way it still does today. I don't have room for a Dad, there's no space in my life to fit one in. There's never been a space. Instead of coming from a single parent family, I came from a multi-parent family. Living at my Grandparent's meant that I was brought up in the hub of the family and was surrounded by Aunties, Uncles and cousins coming and going and I was never bored or lonely.

I don't have the time to spend on another parent, having twenty five years of me and my Mum (FYI I'm also an only child) means that there isn't the time or space to fit another person in there and try and squeeze twenty five years of love, arguments, days out, illnesses, holidays, troubles, dogs, bottles of wine, hotpots and folk festivals. I've had the greatest pleasure of getting to know my Mum as a person, I know all her flaws, we've bickered like a married couple, she's wound me up and made me hate her at times (like all Mum's do) but as a person, she's pretty alright. So much so that at twenty five I'm choosing to go on holiday with her, just me and her exploring somewhere...just us, like it always has been. There isn't room for anyone else in all that, I haven't got the bloody money to take someone else away anyway.

With fathers come a whole other family, again, I haven't got room for that anywhere, there's still members of my own family I haven't met plus I have in-laws! I don't want siblings, I have four amazing cousins who are like my brother and sisters and age-wise, I fit nicely in the middle of them knowing they're there when I need to make fun of them, cry to them and laugh with them.

When Linda proposed on Boxing Day, after buying the ring with my only male cousin, asking my Granddad for my hand in marriage and arranging for all my close family to be there including my crazy Uncle I looked at these three men and smugly thought how lucky I am to not have a Dad, I have a Mum who has taught me how to shave my legs, redecorate a house on my own and that no woman needs a man to live but having a decent one is a bonus, a Granddad who has set the highest standard for any husband or father, an Uncle who has done his fair share of days out, a holiday, ferrying me to and from sixth form when I had a dislocated knee and slipping me fivers so I could go out when I was skint, I have my youngest cousin who is over six foot and responded with "you want me sort him" (half jokingly) after a break up.

So, next time I tell you that I  don't have a Dad, don't pity me. Your Dad might be amazing and you might not be able to imagine life without him but I can't imagine life with mine and more importantly I don't want to because I don't have the room...where would he sleep?




CONVERSATION

4 comments:

  1. I don't have a relationship with my biological father either. My step dad has always been my dad but when it comes round to talking about my biological father people ALWAYS pity me/say how sad it is etc and it drives me mad. Just because someone helped create you doesn't mean they're an essential part of life. Loved this post.

    Zoë xx

    http://zoeisclueless.com

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    1. Thanks for your comment. Drives me mad too especially when you explain how you're not bothered and you can see people thinking "she's lying, she's traumatised inside" xxx

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  2. This is such an excellent, heartwarming post. My dad's been absent from my life for 10-11 years or so, and "I don't have room for a Dad, there's no space in my life to fit one in" explains perfectly when people ask why I don't contact him to make amends. Your family now sounds amazing regardless :)

    Tore | www.atinymew.com xo

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  3. I haven't spoken to my own Dad for 5 or 6 years now. And although the reasons I don't talk to my Dad are mainly because he's an emotionally abusive twat, I still really appreciated this blog post. Not all situations are like mine, not all situations are like yours, but people need to get off this "blood is what makes family" train of thought and accept that sometimes, blood means nothing. Family doesn't have to be blood and blood isn't always family.

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