Saturday, 2 April 2016

Ditch the Bitch

I was never really happy with the person that I was until the past year and a bit. At school I was pretty timid, I was a little odd as I didn’t really fit into a set group of people. Out of my closest two friends, one was a Goth and the other a really talented musician, both these girls really excelled in all their classes and I secretly, always looked up to them for their academic success and confidence to not feel the need to fit in with the ‘popular lot’.

I didn’t have this confidence and was always torn between wanting to be a top student but also wanting to be a badass which, is probably why I came out of school with a pitiful 4 credible GCSE’s. I think that the more you try to force yourself to fit in with a certain group, the more you actually stand out within that group. I started scraping my hair back with gel and trying to wear makeup (at this point my Mum wasn’t letting me wear or buy makeup so I was pinching my grandma’s powder that didn’t match my skin at all) I wasn’t anywhere close to being up to date with the latest trends so when I noticed girl’s eyebrows were looking groomed, I shaved the middle of mine rather than plucked, my stubbly monobrow was noticed and history lessons became a nightmare.

I was also getting ‘bullied’ on the school bus, when I say bullied, I mean I was getting coke poured in my hair, my tights ripped and my bag thrown out of the bus window ages away from my bus stop, that might seem pretty extreme but there wasn’t any emotional bullying, no one was telling me to kill myself I simply had to learn to stand up for myself. This is when Bitch-Issy was born, I stuck up for myself and suddenly became pals with the bus crew. Naturally, this also entailed smoking and I developed a stinky habit that immediately pushed me up on the popularity ladder.

Suddenly, I found myself having twos up on the top yard with cool kids and my two close pals and I slowly drifted apart. By year 11 I knew everyone in my year but didn’t have a close group that I would be friends with for life, I didn’t even go to my school prom as I didn’t have anything to say goodbye to. I sort of just drifted through my school years wanting these close relationships that never materialised because I wasn’t being true to myself.

College years came as did some really close friendships but my lack of academic motivation meant that I failed a course. I then moved away with my Mum and became an 18-year-old in year 12 doing my a-levels (long story) Being older than the year 13’s, northern and having a massive chip on my shoulder about moving away meant that I immediately wasn’t the most popular member of the giant 6th form clique. Finally, this didn’t bother me, I made two amazing best friends who I love and didn’t give a sh*t what the others thought of me…this didn’t stop my inner Bitch telling them this at any given opportunity though.

Uni years came along and were going well, again, I made a couple of lifelong friends but ironically, these aren’t my ex-housemates. Those relationships went up in flames pretty quickly and was the catalyst to dropping the Bitch. There was lots of bitching, snide remarks and house arguments about washing, bills and the bloody boiler. I’d lived on my own previous to this and had more knowledge of maintaining a house, like, I knew the boiler didn’t effect the toilet (another long story) Some of my housemates thought that I was lording it over them or whatever but I gradually became left out of group things and became dead bitter, I ended up paranoid and stewing over how much these people didn’t like me, making them dislike me even more. I wish I’d just been honest and told them that I  wanted to fit in and be part of their group but you can’t force friendships that aren’t there and I had a lot of pride back then. To this day I don’t talk to any of them, one added me on Facebook when Luke and I were first seeing each other, coincidentally, after quizzing each of us on chat about our relationship, his ex was blowing up his phone. Bitch-Issy would’ve reacted to this, but I moved on. I learnt that being bitter and a general tw*t doesn’t get me anywhere. I can still be cunning cow and put someone down with some snide remarks – (my tongue is poison but I’m all bark) but the point is, I don’t want to, I’m selective with the battles I fight, those that genuinely matter are the ones that need to be fought. To-ing and fro-ing with someone over things that have no impact on my life is ridiculous.

I’m happy with the person I am now, I enjoy being happy and trying to maintain my happiness rather than focus on negative bullsh*t. I think (and I don’t care if this is offensive – so don’t start) that women all have a natural ability to be utter cows and that we get lost in catty bitchy arguments but it’s up to us to choose to control our inner-bitch and be nicer people. A bit of sass is always necessary but ditch the bitch and start smiling more, it's the best way to being happier within yourself. 

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