Sunday, 1 January 2017

Why not us?

TTC, AF, BFN and BD are just a few of the acronyms I pray that any of you reading this aren't familiar with because knowing and using these usually means that you're on the emotional roller coaster of trying for baby and by trying, I don't mean deciding to start a family and getting knocked up within a few months. I mean physically and emotionally having to literally try because for some cruel reason, mother nature won't let your body undertake it's most primary function.



Luke and I have been on this horrific journey for over a year now. It's not something I've mentioned before because it's f*cking hard, there have been times where I have been an emotional wreck. Dreading every period and sinking into a depression for the 4 days of my nightmare. Period positivity is all well and good but when it's the one thing you don't want to happen, those 4 days of aches and pains and the other crap are just a constant reminder of how you're not working, something isn't right and once again you've failed.  

Not to mention the amount of blood tests, internal scans and samples that we've had to provide. Attending numerous doctor's appointments, changing our diets and lifestyles and following every old wive's tale like it's a medical procedure. The strain it's put on our relationship, the nights of being angry at one another, worried about our future and the hopeful nights where we've convinced each other every PMS symptom is a definite indication of pregnancy only to be greeted with a big fat glaring and mocking line flashing in our faces with what might as well be a 'LOL' next to it. Then there's the times when my body decided to make me late - they're loads of fun, counting down the days until I've basically missed a period to then come on at the very last second, all hope is lost for another 28 days. 

We can't leave out the numerous people sharing their pregnancy news on Facebook, I smile through gritted teeth and congratulate them whilst stewing in my bitter internalised jealousy, there's the people who bang on about what a shock it was and how unplanned the news is - envy is a poisonous feeling. I suppose one positive of this journey is that I know my body inside out, I know every symptom and every moment of my cycle - I could bore you to death rambling on about basal temperatures, cervical positions and the types of cervical fluid and what they indicate but it's draining. The robotic scramble to get the BD done (thats Baby Dance for those of you who aren't familiar with the pregnancy forums) takes away any romance in a relationship - actually having some 'days off' where it's not necessary come as a bitter relief. 

Then there's the advice - when you let people in on your little secret you get comments such "it's just not your time yet" why isn't it? I want it to be who are you to tell me it's not? and "you need to relax, it's when you're not trying that it happens" tell me, how to get this out of your mind how do you not try when you are trying? or, "you should go on a baby make-ation" Mate, have you seen my bank balance? If I could afford a freaking holiday I would be somewhere right now. There's also an element of shame that you can't shake - even in posting this it's the admission that life isn't perfect, that we don't work properly, we can't do something that so many others can. Is it a sign? Does it mean we'll be bad parents and then there's terrifying feeling dread as we wonder if it'll ever happen. 

Over the next few weeks, months or years I'm going to be posting about our journey. For me, it gives it some purpose and a means of catharsis and hopefully someone else might benefit from it because even when you're in a loving relationship with an abundance of support from loving family and friends it's one hell of a lonely road to be travelling on vocalising your feelings is nigh-on impossible.


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5 comments

  1. Hello,
    I haven't commented before but I feel so connected to your story because I know exactly how you feel, so I felt that I wanted to try and share some love and positivity with you.
    My husband and I can share your struggle, we waited nearly 4 years for our little boy to come along and it is one of the hardest things we have been through as a couple and personally too.
    I'm not going to be one of those 'just relax and it'll happen' people becuase that was the worst thing I could hear during our journey. People who don't understand are trying to be kind but it just makes you feel more pressured and as though you are doing something wrong.
    We too had various doctors appointments where things would be laughed off with an 'oh you're young, it'll happen' and you leave feeling absolutely crushed and unimportant.
    As much as it won't help or speed things up I just want you to know that all your stress, worrying, heartbreak will be SO worth it in the end. I know that it easy to say that, and I don't mean it lightly at all.
    Unless someone has been through this struggle they can not truly know how it feels or really help and I admire you so much for sharing your journey. I sincerely hope that it brings you closer to people who have been in your position and can help to bear this load you are both carrying.
    We waited so long and we lost one little angel along the way but I am so proud of us.
    As hard as this time is for you both you must not let it tear you apart, use eachother for strength and talk things out, hell, cry together, scream if you need to.
    'Why not us?', 'why don't we deserve it'?. I know the pain you're going through. You do deserve this my darling, you really do. And you will appreciate your little one all the more when he/she is in your arms. You'll want every moment together to last forever because you know the unbearable pain of being apart.
    I'm so sorry that there's nothing I can say to help or change things for you but I really hope that sharing your story can bring you comfort and I would like to say that if your ever want to talk on a more one to one level, even if you just want to rant and get it all out, please email me and I will do my best to comfort you, I'll be there for you whatever you want to say because I would have killed to have someone to talk to about it when I was going through it.
    My email is emmahobbsie@yahoo.co.uk and I'm ready to listen ��

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    1. Thank yo for your kind words, it's nice to know my words have resonated with someone. Luckily we're very strong about it and communicate all the time - poor Luke has put up with a lot of emotional outburst as well as gone through the mill himself. Fingers crossed we'll get some good news this year xxx

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  2. Sending warm wishes and lots of luck your way! x

    www.luxestyle.co.uk

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  3. Gosh, what a super honest and well written post - well done for getting your thoughts down and allowing everyone to see what your going through.
    sending hugs x
    http://happywiseowl.com

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  4. Hi. Just started reading your blog after seeing your new post about Cecil and seeing that you're trying. I can relate to this particular post and I actually scrolled back through so I could start reading about your journey from the start. We've been trying for a few years. We haven't yet had all the tests (I say we, I mean the other half). I have PCOS and although they say it's not impossible, it's proving to be bloody hard. Although the OH needs to go get check out. I feel the sadness and jealousy when someone announces their happy news and wonder with every AF that shows her nasty self, why us? We're good people and want this so much and would be great and yet it's almost like it's just not meant to be. It's been so many years now I've started to think it's just never going to happen. Some months I just think we may as well give up hope. We haven't told anyone we know simply because I don't want to feel like a failure and have to face all the questions they might have, or knowing that they feel sorry for us. I think 2/3 of my friends know, but other than that it's our secret. You're not alone and all those feelings are totally normal xx

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