Infertility makes me ugly


There, I said it.

I know it's irrational and terribly problematic to say that fertility defines my level of attractiveness but it does and I promised to be candid with this series so here's some ugly truths about infertility 😟.  
I'm coming out of this phase (thank goodness that that's what it was) and am back to making an effort with my appearance and feeling comfortable in my skin again but for a few months I've felt ugly and unattractive and what's disturbed me more about these feelings was my complete lack of motivation to do anything about it. It was almost as though I was punishing myself, as though I deserved to not find my faulty body attractive or be comfortable within it.

Feeling sexy was out of the question, I've never been the sexiest of creatures so it's never hard for me to lose that spark but combine my natural awkwardness with my inability to see the point in having sex and you have one frustrated Luke and a sorrowful little old me for rejecting him over and over because why the hell would he want me anyway...I don't work the way I should. 

It's ever so narcissistic to have these thoughts and that's what I hate the most, I'm a rational and intelligent woman 🙍🏼. I know that fertility doesn't define me as a woman yet my primal instinct is causing me to reek of desperation and shame. Shame that I'm being such a knob about the situation, shame that I've stopped caring about myself the way I used to. 

Thankfully, the rational and intelligent woman inside me won the battle with the broody narcissist and I started to address these toxic feelings before they got the better of me, and of us. I think the length of time between fertility appointments doesn't help. It's been three months since we last saw the specialist, all this time without definitive answers causes havoc with my emotions and makes my brain think all sorts of thoughts.



How did I get over it? 

I changed my hair, obviously! 💁🏼 There's nothing that a hair makeover doesn't fix and I went back to blonde because blonde Issy was loads happier, she took care of herself and she was even might I say...a little bit sexy 😉 . I treated myself to some skincare goodies because taking the time to have a good pamper and get my skin back to tip-top condition always helps and finally, I got some new makeup bits because when you're undergoing a mini-makeover you need some new products, (lots of reviews and looks will be coming up on the blog). 

More importantly I talked, and talked and talked. I gave poor Luke running commentaries on how I was feeling and why. Unlike me, I sought constant reassurance that still fancied me (something else that mortifies me) I was asking him how outfits looked, how my makeup was and second guessing purchases. Being so uncertain wasn't ideal but being comfortable enough to be able to talk to Luke about made me feel much better, nothing was harboured and I was able to analyse and address my feelings as well as get the much needed support from the ever so patient Luke. Our next appointment with the Fertility Specialist is mid-may so we don't have long top before we can hopefully 🙏🏼 start treatment.

Finally, kittens - kittens fix everything 😻



CONVERSATION

3 comments:

  1. So sorry you felt like that, but I'm glad rational Issy won! Your hair looks fab! I hope things start going your way soon xx

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  2. Not long until mid May...wish you every bit of luck in the world. We have our second FET cycle starting mid May too. The time really does drag slowly doesn't it? My husband and I are 4 years into TTC and it doesn't get any easier. Really helped to read some of your pros on this whole situation, in fact it has inspired me to think of my own pros too!

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    1. Hi Vicky, thanks for reading. It's crazy how slowly time goes isn't it? I can't wait to get started on some actual treatment it's been years of waiting for answers but at least we're getting there. I'm glad you're thinking of some pros too, sometimes trying to find some positive can overshadow all the negatives for a while. I hope you get your dream come true soon, keep me updated xxx

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