How able are my semen?

Sooo...I'm sure you're all aware by now that me and Issy have been trying to conceive, with no luck. As a result, Issy has relentlessly been going for test after test some including having a young male doctor shove a plastic dildo up her private parts to look for a womb or something, well that's what she told me happened anyway. It'd be better if the doctor just told me how to do it and then I could check myself with my human dildo. Anywho, misogyny aside, I wanted to make sure the problem wasn't on my end and thus I went to the doctors. 

After booking an appointment, I was told they'd post my sample pot through the post and I’d have to place my semen sample into the pot and get to the hospital desk within 30 minutes...I thought this would be easy, I'd just do it in the hospital toilet or something. Nope! At the bottom of the letter it states "we do not provide rooms for this" ermm excuse me? Why can't I do this in the toilet? If I try hard enough I'm sure I could get this job done in 10 minutes no different from a long sh*t and the door is locked so the others wouldn't know any different. HOW can I masturbate into a pot and then clean myself up and then drive to the hospital through a very busy town during rush hour (appointment was at 8:30) and get to reception! Not possible!

Before the pot arrived through post I was going through a lot emotionally thinking, "What if my soldiers aren't working?" "Are they playing up because I used to be in the Navy?" "Have I done this to myself through smoking" (I've not smoked in over a year now) but it could still be the issue "What about the numerous times I received a football to the balls-sack at 100mph!" I have always told Issy that my sperm will be fine, they're super it runs in my family. Every Connolly that has had sex without a condom has had a baby each time. But that was just a face, of course I knew I could be the problem but I liked to say I was perfect because it helped me. Issy hated this and on so many occasions we had arguments because she claimed I didn't care and wasn't taking the whole thing seriously purely because I didn't like talking about it or going into detail about my emotions. On a weekly basis Issy would question whether I was emotionally stable because I don't get emotional about anything. I've told her over and over again I don't know why I don't really feel much but I think it has something to do with the military, before I joined I was crying left right and centre! I cried over the film 'click' for God’s sake! It's a comedy!!! But these days I don't show it, of course I get sad and of course I feel love and happiness, just because it doesn't show on the outside doesn't mean it's not happening. This is what Issy had to put up with, she was going through all the tests over and over and turning into an emotional wreck and I'm next to her being Mr Straight Face. After a hard wait of around 2 weeks my pot came through the post and I knew it was my time to shine! Reading the form it said "no sexual intercourse or self relieving within 5 days of the test. 5 DAYS!!!!! They're going to have to give me a bigger pot! Have they seen me in action! 😂 I thought 5 days was going to be a nightmare but then I remembered that Issy doesn't like having sex more than once a month and I get a blow job once a year. So maybe I could do this! Also why am I even with her?

D day arrived and when I woke up and first thing in my mind was "OMG I have to wank, into a pot and take it to some stranger in a hospital” If you think about it, I'm taking potential kids to the hospital for a doctor to look at them under a microscope and just name and shame them, "You're not working, some of you don't even know which way to swim and others have just given up and are asleep". Strange, isn't it? Anyway I knew I had a duty to do…I masturbated into the pot which, was terrible (and great at the same time), Issy had to get up and dressed early for the rush to the hospital. She stored the sample in her bra to keep it at the recommended temperature, we got to the hospital and Issy ran through it with the cargo whilst I waited in the car park because it is bloody expensive and I'm not paying for a spot, are you mad!? She came back laughing but I was just worrying inside because now I have to wait for a phone call to let me know whether my sole purpose in life was a possibility.

A couple of shit weeks went by and I finally phoned my doctors to find out the result..."No further action required" and that was it. I was all fine. A weight was lifted off my shoulders that you wouldn't believe I felt amazing for about a minute before realising that because I wasn't the problem, Issy now knows it's something to do with her...I almost wish sometimes it was me that was the problem because Issy has had to deal with so much and I go for one test to find out, yeah, I'm all good. But then I remembered she said "If your sperm doesn't work I'm leaving you" So I kinda had the attitude of "HAAHAA twat, I work! (I told you she was an emotional wreck).


…would be the one word I'd use for the whole experience, emotional, painful and physically demanding are just other emotions I felt.

I'm not going to lie to anyone that has to go through this, it sucks, but be strong for your partner because if you don't work it sucks for them and if you do work, it sucks for them!! It's a lose-lose situation and they'll need their big strong man and hugs on tap for when they're feeling down. Also head rubs go a long way! Don't worry when I'm down, I've told her having my head rubbed works as's just located on my penis….wheeeeey.

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