3 month old in his own room

When I first found out that I was pregnant I was convinced that I was going to miscarry, I barely wanted to move incase something happened; I was shocked at every scan to find that everything was ok and it wasn't until around 26 weeks that my worries subsided but then a new worry took it's place, stillbirth. As soon as Freddie was kicking I began to notice his pattern and religiously count his kicks, any decrease in his kicks sent waves of panic deep down in my tummy and I had to seek reassurance from Luke. When my little bundle of joy arrived, alive and kicking I was overwhelmed with happiness, we made it and he spent the next three months sleeping in his moses basket getting gently poked and prodded throughout tonight so that I could make sure he was breathing. Things are different now, Fred is three months old has to go in his own room and once again I have those waves of bad butterflies fluttering around my tummy every time I put him to bed. 

Cot death or SIDS isn't something that anyone likes to talk about although we're all absolutely terrified of it and if you're a first time Mum like me putting your baby to sleep at night doesn't bring the sweet relief you'd think it would. I've learnt that being a parent means that you never truly relax. There's always something to do or something to think about but you soon and very quickly adapt. I'm adapting to Freddie sleeping in his own room, before anyone pipes up I know that it's recommended that babies sleep in the same room as their parents for 6 months but Freddie has grown out of his moses basked (I won't lie, he grew out of it a few weeks but I wedged him in for my own comfort) there isn't a cat's chance in hell that his cot bed will fit in our room and our bed wouldn't fit in his room. I held off finishing decorating his room as an excuse to avoid the inevitable but three weeks ago I pulled up my big girl socks and painted his nursery and bought his bedding. The room was ready, Freddie was ready but I wasn't. 

I'm still shocked that I even got pregnant let alone had an actual baby so the expectation that something terrible is going to happen isn't that bizarre to me. For those that don't know, SIDS is the tragic occurrence when a baby dies in their sleep. The causes are unknown but there are many studies that have been undertaken and have come up with various ways that are known to prevent it such as putting babies to sleep on their backs, not having anything in their cots that could smother themselves with and making sure babies aren't too hot and the room is well ventilated to name a few. The internet is filled with pages and pages of information about causes and prevention and it doesn't take much to completely overwhelm and put the fear of god into into me. Before putting Freddie into his own room I delved into the land of Mummy forums and read thread after of women wanting the answer to the same question I had rolling around my head "will my baby die if I put him to sleep in his own room at three months?" obviously no one can give me the answer I want and the forums were people saying their babies were fine or, that they were keeping their baby in their room until the recommended six months. 

I tortured myself by being so unsure about whether I was making the right decision, deep down I knew Freddie needed more space and a quieter room but the thought of going to into his room and finding him dead makes me feel physically sick. After a long and painful chat with my Mum, she finally helped make the decision to bite the bullet and go for it; she explained that so long as I eliminated as many risks as possible then Freddie would be as safe as possible and if the worst were to happen then at least I would have tried my best. I finally managed to put him in his big cot and my heart broke seeing how small he suddenly looked in that big space, I spent the first night sleeping on his floor until 3am when I went into my own bed, the next morning at around 7am I was woken up by the sound of Freddie babbling away and looked at the baby monitor to see him chatting away to David (his little lamb), my heart swelled with happiness and I ran into his room, scooped him out of his cot and had massive snuggles all morning. The following night I put him and bed and went to sleep in my own bed in my own room like a big girl, my stomach was still dropping at the thought of leaving him alone in their but once again, the next morning he was smiling away in his bed kicking about in all that space. 

I'm very slowly getting used to Freddie being in his own room and seeing how happy and easily he's adapted to the transition has reassured me that I made the right decision but that won't stop me worrying or being overjoyed to find him safe and well each morning. SIDS is awful and every parents worse nightmare and no one is daft or paranoid for being worried, I'm humble enough to never assume it won't be my baby, I just pray it isn't. It' okay to be worried, it's ok to get yourself into a pickle over it and it's ok to keep your baby in your room forever if you can too. Keeping your baby in your room until they're 6 months would be great if it was realistic for us, thankfully Freddie's room is right next door and we sleep with both doors open and have a video monitor set up; I'm counting down the weeks until he's out of the "danger zone" and we have something new to worry about.

The point of this post is to bring our very real fears out into the open, we all worry about it but we don't want to talk about because it's not nice but I think it's important to let each other know that we're all in the same boat. Parenting is like an overdose of responsibility and sometimes it's nice to know that there's some paranoid parents constantly thinking the worst out there too.