Babies F you up

Every parent I've spoken to about this has said they they or their partner lost their marbles after having a baby so why don't we talk about it more? Well, luckily for you I am here with my brutal honesty about to spill the tea on how having a baby has sent me totally bonkers and brought my relationship to the brink of destruction. Yay. 

You see, it's not all roses and muslin cloths when a little bundle of life changing joy turns up but we all want to pretend it is. Everyone wants to be the perfect family, we all want to be coping the best and have the most supportive partners and be adjusting to family life and parenthood like we're made for it, but we're not. Being a Mum has come easy for me, I am a natural and I do an amazing job but being a Mum and a nice person is something I really need to work on. The first few days of Freddie's arrival were a haze of absolute wonder, terror and lots of fanny pain. Then, my milk came in and I cried at everything, Freddie sneezed - I cried, I thought about chocolate - I cried, Luke smiled at me - I cried, thankfully this didn't last long as my milk dried up and my deflated boobs just hung there looking rather pitiful but my mood perked up and I could check the time without crying. 

It wasn't long before this dark cloud started creeping closer, Luke started a new job where he has to work away a lot, the extra cash helps but the loneliness is horrible. I take Freddie out almost every day and have lots of friends to visit and have taken Freddie up to Crewe to see the family but sometimes I just want Luke home, taking a baby out is a military operation and lugging him and all his crap up two flights of stairs is enough to turn anyone into a hermit and Freddie isn't much conversation in the evenings...or any time of the day really, squealing at each other is great and I love the interaction but I'd also love to do Southpark impressions and he's just not there yet. When Luke did come home I'd be all bitter and resentful that he'd had an easy week with people and he'd be all knackered from y'know working and I'd nag at him for not doing anything for the baby and then he'd try and I'd be a martyr not let him but make sure he knew how much I was suffering with lots of sighs and muttering under my breath. 

Then the pecking started and I'd go at him for anything and everything without a second thought, vaping, football, having his phone out, not smiling at me, existing, breathing you get the drift. He'd stop and tell me I was constantly having a go and I'd tell him that he needed to change things too and nothing would happen but the cycle would start all over again. Whilst I've loved every second of Freddie (apart from that time when he was smaller and screamed through his constipation) and I've been almost a delight online and person to my pals, I have secretly been harbouring this constant anger that just spills out and gets aimed at the closest person to me, which is of course Luke. I've been so filled with this rage that I haven't thought that maybe he doesn't want to spend much time with be because I'm a nasty cow and say horrible things to him. Granted, he hasn't been a total saint in this situation but it isn't about him, it's about me being a total fruit loop and (fingers crossed) getting over it. 

Once I realised that I had lost my shit a bit I stopped taking the pill, I wanted to rule out any hormone imbalances and try and tackle the problem head on. I'm five days off it now and feel much better, the rage has gone and I feel completely calm but this could also be due to Luke and I talking through things and laying all our cards on the table, I guess time will tell. I've never suffered from mental ill-health before and post-natal depression hadn't crossed my mind until my Mum and my friend both (whilst slightly wincing) suggested that I thought about it. I was naive about post-natal depression and thought it was depression in the form of motherhood and not bonding with a baby etc. but it's not, it comes in many forms and creeps up on you like a monster and before you know it, it consumes you and destroys those around you. 

I don't know if I have post-natal depression, I haven't spoken to my GP (yet) I'll be getting around to this when I make an appointment to discuss hormone free contraception options. I have talked and talked to fellow parents, mine and Luke's parents and more importantly Luke. I'm out of the worst of it and I'm finding my marbles. I think that if we're all honest about how much having a baby fucks us up as people and couples then people won't harbour it and let it fester. It's normal, it's to be expected and if anyone says they came out of this completely unscathed with a perfectly intact relationship (and fanny) then I call bullshit. 

To any expectant mothers out there, hold on to your marbles and Dads, help her find the ones she loses. 

Photo credit: Rhiannon Fox