Why I'm never going to date

17 January 2020

Probably a very dramatic title but we all need a bit of clickbait sometimes. The truth is that I’m not ready to date anytime soon for three reasons; 1. I don’t know what I want, 2. Dating these days looks extremely complicated 3. I cannot be arsed. I tried Tinder for about a week and realised that I am far too much of an arsehole for online dating. I convinced one match that I was a flat earther because the conversation was lacking and after replying with “I had a stroke” to being asked “tell me something interesting about you that I wouldn’t expect” I was swiftly unmatched, not to mention the few times that I swiped right because of cute dogs and the amount of Dads who want to talk about how great their kids are and have some sort of kid appreciation session, we all know doting dads aren’t my thing. 

Relationships have taken on a different meaning to me lately; probably due to having a kid but I’m no longer in a rush to find ‘the one’ and settle down and live the fairy tale. I don’t want a prince charming to rescue me, I’m not a Disney princess. I’m an evil queen ruling my own little kingdom and I love it. Over the years I’ve pretty much always been in a relationship and never really for the right reasons, I’ve settled for the sake of settling, changed who I am, tolerated things I swore I never would and compromised my own happiness and wellbeing in the process. The fear of truly being alone was greater than being alone and with someone and I didn’t realise which was actually worse until now. 

It’s arguable that I’m slightly bitter about relationships at the moment, who isn’t after a break up – but whilst I believe that the honeymoon phase is lovely and magical I’m also very aware that it’s not real nor is it a real reflection of someone is like as a person, it’s six months down the line when a person gets comfortable and their real personality starts showing through that is an accurate indicator of what a person is like as a partner and currently, I cannot be arsed to wait six months pretending I am the perfect girlfriend to find that I’ve picked another bellend to spend my life with. I want to get straight to comfortable farting, lazy days in front of the tele and having pointless arguments with some butterflies and romance thrown in. 

There’s also the various stages of a relationship these days that are too much to comprehend; talking, shagging, seeing, dating, going out, engaged, married, being fucked over, kidding yourself that it’s more than it is, pretending you’re over them when you’re really not. It’s more complicated that it needs to be and doesn’t help when both parties are always either playing it cool or, don’t really care as much as they let on they do but don’t want to lose the guaranteed fun stuff. I’m not into wondering why someone is reading my messages and not replying or having my confidence knocked by being ghosted, gaslighted and fleabagged (whatever the f*ck that one means). 

Current dating etiquette and the inclusion of labelling all these unacceptable behaviours almost makes them acceptable – being ghosted sounds much nicer than being treated like shit, gaslighted is better than being emotionally abused and manipulated and using these terms to describe our experiences somewhat hides the pain a person might be experiencing because it’s the dating norm and therefore okay. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind a bit of heart break, it’s healthy; I literally felt nothing when my last relationship ended so feeling heartbreak again would indicate that there’s some love involved but I’m not up for being deliberately hurt by someone in the name of dating. I’ve been through too much to tolerate that kind of nonsense so, until I know what I want and when I want it I’ll be on Instagram moaning about being single like a hypocrite and scoffing at happy loved up couples. 

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